Navigating Household Rules with Your Teen

Hey Parents! If you're the parent of a teen especially one just on the verge of graduating high school then this one is for you! Navigating responsibilities with teens can be a tricky one. This is the stage of development where teens are learning the art of balancing independence and responsibility. 

Here are some ways to help you maintain household rules and set reasonable consequences in a way that strengthens your connection with your teen. 

First, it's important to understand the teenage mind. To do that let’s take a moment to consider where your teen is coming from. Teens in general, and especially teens that are 17 and 18, are wanting to step into adulthood. They crave independence and yet they aren't fully developed and still need guidance. When they do receive that guidance, they often will  push back against household rules. Try not to take this personally,  it is a normal part of their development! Recognizing this can help you approach the situation with more empathy rather than frustration.

Second, while as adults we understand this, it is essential to have an intentional conversation with your teen about the Importance of household rules and why they are necessary. 

Share with your teen that household rules serve as a foundation for a harmonious home. They provide structure and clarity. Structure is important for any successful path in life. Structure and reliability is especially important for 17 and 18 year olds that are learning how to function as an adult during this transitional phase. Soon they will be off to college living with roommates, or may go into the military where self-discipline is mandated, or even begin careers where it is vital to respect the shared space of others.

Here’s are some key points to share with your teen as why household rules matter:

1. As a parent you are trying to teach them the importance of setting and respecting healthy boundaries. Rules help define what is acceptable behavior, creating a safe space for everyone in the home. And it will prepare your teen to be a healthy partner in relationships.

2. Household rules encourage responsibility. Your teens learn accountability for their actions and grow into responsible adults as they follow household rules. It prepares them to manage what life throws their way with fewer negative consequences. Their bosses, professors, future clients will depend on them to do uphold their responsibilities and when they don't there will be negative consequences.

3. When everyone understands the expectations, and lives up to those expectations, it promotes harmony and mutual respect among family members. This builds trust. This will help your teens prepare for group projects in college, work assignments, a sense of self-worth, and help prepare them to be a good life partner.

Now, let’s talk about how to set reasonable expectations for your teen. Here are some tips to consider. 

You will get way more buy in from your teen when you involve them in the process of setting both the rules and the consequences of not adhering to the rules. Instead of dictating rules, involve your teen in creating them. This gives them a sense of ownership and makes them more likely to follow through.

Keep in mind rules must be clear and specific. Clearly outline what you expect regarding chores and responsibilities. Instead of saying, “Keep your room clean,” specify, “Please make your bed and put away your clothes each day.” 

Also invite your teen to give feedback on what they consider to be a reasonable consequence for when they don't keep house rules. Keep in mind you may modify their suggestions if their suggestions are too lax or too strong for the situation.

Before applying consequences recognize that sometimes you'll need to be flexible in the delivery of those consequences because life can be unpredictable and stressful for your teen. For example If your teen is working, or  has sports or band practice and a big exam coming up, it can be overwhelming for them. They may need a grace period. Within 24-48 hours). Get curious as to why your teen hasn't met their responsibilities.  As parents we need to be open to adjusting our  expectations. A little understanding goes a long way.

It is key that as parents lyou model the behavior you expect of your teens. You need to show teens what responsibility looks like. If you want them to pitch in, and take you seriously, you have to demonstrate your own commitment to keeping the house tidy.

Consider having this conversation with your teen in a casual environment outside the home. Go grab ice cream or discuss this over dinner. For you as a parent it will help you maintain your focus and cool out in public. Envision the conversation to be similar to a discussion you'd have with a potential client.

You may be wondering at this point what are reasonable consequences for your teen when they don't obey household rules. When rules are broken, it’s essential to implement consequences that are fair and constructive. Here are some reasonable approaches:

Natural Consequences: Let them experience the natural outcomes of their actions. If they don’t do their laundry, they’ll have to deal with wearing unwashed clothes. This can be a powerful lesson!

Loss of Privileges: If household responsibilities aren’t met, consider temporarily revoking privileges like screen time or outings with friends. Just be sure to communicate why this is happening.

Extra Chores: If expectations aren’t followed, assigning additional chores can reinforce the idea that everyone contributes to the household.

Financial Contribution: If the teen receives an allowance or has a job, consider requiring a small financial contribution to the household until cleaning tasks are completed.

Loss of Personal Items: Temporarily limit access to personal items (like their phone) until cleaning is completed, emphasizing that personal spaces require upkeep.

Community Service: Encourage involvement in community service or volunteer work as a way to understand the value of contributing to a community, linking it back to responsibilities at home.

Educational Workshops: Enroll them in workshops or classes focused on life skills, including organization and cleaning, as a consequence of not maintaining their living space.

Positive Reinforcement: Don’t forget to acknowledge when your teen meets expectations! Praise their efforts, which can motivate them to continue positive behaviors.

Throughout this process, communication is vital. Approach all conversations with your teen with an open mind and a willingness to listen. Be sure that you choose the right time to talk with your teen. Find a calm moment to discuss household rules and expectations, rather than addressing issues in the heat of the moment.

Be sure to use “I” Statements whenever talking to them. Instead of saying, “You never clean your room,” try, “I feel stressed when the house isn’t tidy. Can we work together on this?”. “You never” statements put anyone on the defensive and listening stops immediately. 

Encourage open discussion by asking for your teen’s input and feelings about the rules. This helps them feel valued and heard.

As situations arise focus on the behavior you want changed. Discuss only one situation at a time. You want to attack the problem and not your teen.

Maintaining household rules with your 18-year-old doesn’t have to be a battleground. By including them, setting clear expectations, implementing reasonable consequences, and fostering open communication, you can create a nurturing environment that encourages growth and responsibility. Remember, this is a learning journey for both you and your teen!

Embrace this transitional phase with patience and love. Share with your teen the way you would with another adult the expectations, the whys, and what they will learn from it. Things may not change overnight, however  by doing so and by being consistent, it will go a long way in creating a harmonious home.