When Trust is Broken: Recognizing the Signs of Betrayal in a Marriage

“Each betrayal begins with trust.” Let that statement sink in. Betrayal erodes trust that had already been given.

Often people only think of betrayal in the form of infidelity, but there are many ways in which we betray those we love.

Here are things that betrayal encompasses:

1. Telling half-truths, lying by omission, making ambiguous or vague statements, manipulating information using exaggeration or minimization, and gaslighting.

2. Extramarital alliances. Many times what this looks like is being in alliance with a family member such as a parent or sibling and disregarding your partner’s feelings and being in alignment with your family member’s ideas, views, and feelings.

This also includes friendships non-romantic in nature. Any time someone outside of the marriage is prioritized above one’s partner, it is betrayal.

This includes emotional affairs. Sharing emotionally vulnerable information that you do not share with your spouse or would not want your spouse to know you shared, as well as flirtation and feeling a “confidence-boost” by a someone whom you find attractive is an extramarital alliance.

3. Addiction. An addiction involves behavior that escalates over time, creates negative consequences in many areas of life, and feels out of control. This includes alcohol addiction, recreational and prescription drug addiction, and sexual addiction.

4. Intimacy avoidance and neglect. This includes all forms of intimacy. This is where an avoidant spouse is fearful of emotional vulnerability, distracted by work or personal hobbies, punishing with silence, withholding sex, or controlling with conditional commitment, this betrayal damages security and the relationship bond.

It includes being dismissive, name calling, and transactional behavior. (“I’ll give you time and attention, if you…”)

5. Revenge and entitlement. Entitlement is an attitude or belief of “If I want it, I should have it at all costs. It leaves no room for negotiation or consideration for the other partner’s needs and goals.

Retaliation against a partner can be rooted in anger and is abuse. It reflects a desire to regain or be in power and control verses creating an equal playing field of love and understanding.

6. Financial infidelity. This often occurs in the form of gambling, compulsive spending, hidden job loss, secret financial responsibilities, hoarding income, or investing without understanding how finance works. It also occurs when a couple agrees on how to manage savings or decides on purchase spending limits to maintain family goals (retirement, family vacations, college tuition for children).

Financial infidelity has the guilt, shame, fear and loss of trust of other betrayals, plus financial and potentially legal consequences. Couples are at a high risk for financial infidelity when one partner handles all the finances.

7. Abuse. This includes all forms of abuse.

Most relationships begin with the assumption that the person you love will care about your well-being and never intentionally hurt you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

When a partner is triggered, and tempers are lost, raging can begin, threats are made and harm is inflicted. Not only is the attachment security damaged, but also the sense of physical safety.

Physical threats include threatening gestures, a tone and body language that demonstrates a ‘power-over’ dynamic. These actions betray the relationship and inhibit the couple’s ability to connect.

Psychological abuse and gaslighting are used to intentionally weaken a partner’s self-esteem and reality. Often, this is done by bullying, blaming, stonewalling, or questioning their sanity, perception, or memories. Again, because it’s abusive in nature, the purpose for this behavior is to either maintain power and control, or deflect and project a partner’s own wounds and insecurities onto the other.

Emotional abuse is often considered the form of betrayal that can be the most devastating and difficult to heal from because it disconnects the betrayed individual from their reality and sense of self, and the psychological impact endures for years even if the relationship ended.

You cannot connect with your partner in abusive relationships. The brain defaults to a fight, flight, freeze, or appease mode in order to protect oneself.

Until the abuse stops, any related PTSD: trauma is healed, and the betrayed individual learns to trust him or herself…connection in any relationship is difficult. Abuse takes significant time to repair from.

In an abusive situation, separation, individual healing for both partners to address anger, fear, set healthy boundaries with appropriate consequences, and to feel empowered is required before relationship repair can even be considered.

These are just a few examples of how betrayal breaks down a marriage. All of these examples of betrayal stem from a “me” mentality and mindset and not a “we” mentality and mindset.

If you want to avoid falling into betrayal behavior, consistent listening to understand one another, healthy communication, putting the needs of your partner first, and prioritizing the relationship first is key.